


then she ran her hands through my imagination

by freefallvertigo



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Hopeful Ending, F/F, basically 13 is strugglin in prison n her subconscious is tryin rly hard to make her snap out of it, ninety nine percent dialogue, post tcc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-09
Updated: 2020-10-09
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:21:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26912056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/freefallvertigo/pseuds/freefallvertigo
Summary: what about us, doctor? when do we get to go home?"gallifrey's gone."i wasn't talking about gallifrey.
Relationships: Thirteenth Doctor/Yasmin Khan
Comments: 12
Kudos: 70





	then she ran her hands through my imagination

**Author's Note:**

> i rly just whipped this up mega fast i'm not even sure it makes any sense but after that promo pic i had to write SOMETHING forgive me if this is nonsense x also forgive me for it all being in lower case i started writing it on my phone without knowin if anything was even gonna come of it lol i promise i'm not that pretentious

78487.

that was her number. her name. her whole identity. 

78487.

it was a decent number, all things considered. a prime number — which the doctor spent countless hours (she had enough of them to spare) thinking about. obsessing about. unintentional, in all likelihood. that’s what she believed to begin with. it was the sane conclusion to arrive at. the most logical. 

but logic was such a funny, fickle thing, wasn’t it? logic was subjective. and if the subject in question was subjected to, let’s say, five hundred and sixty four days in a cold, dark cell with naught but her night terrors to keep her company, logic might easily be subjugated by delirium. by creeping madness. stop — look there. is that a shadow or an ancient, faceless face? the face of a friend. the face of a foe. home. hell. hope. happy halloween. 

_did he survive?_

“he couldn’t have.”

_did you?_

“i don’t know.”

_you must have. you’re talking to yourself. always a good sign, right?_

“used to be.”

_ah, you’re no fun anymore. what’s the matter with you? all you do is mope and mourn and drive yourself batty about prime numbers._

“just the one, actually.”

_78487._

“78487.”

_oh, go on then!_

“what?”

_i know you’re dyin’ to._

“dunno what you—“

_if it’ll get you to grunt more than a one syllable word, go for it. i’ll listen this time. promise._

“but you’re just me.”

_well, d’you see any other eager ears about? look around, doctor. you’re alone. no ryan. no graham… no yaz. there aren’t any plucky young companions around to worship you here; to hang onto every—“_

“don’t.”

_what?_

“you sound like him.”

_i sound like you, actually._

“don’t be facetious.”

_three syllables. colour me impressed._

“...”

_tell me about the number. y’think it’s a message?_

“i’ve told you a thousand times.”

_so make it a thousand and one. not like i’ve anywhere else to be except inside your noggin, and it’s not much of a carnival up here. frankly, doctor, it’s a tad bit gloomy. should consider doing a bit of spring cleaning. clear the cobwebs—_

“all right, fine! i’ll tell you if you just shut up.”

_deal._

“it’s just — what are the odds of it having been a prime number? wanna know how many five digit prime numbers there are? nine. nine out of ninety thousand. and this is the number they chose to brand on my cell door. on my jumpsuit. on my… my skin.”

_so?_

“a prime number is divisible only by itself and one. i made nothin’ of it at first, but think about it. there’s the number itself — that’s me — and then there’s the parts that make it up. which is just one. over and over and over again. and what’s special about the number one?”

_i’ve a sneaking suspicion you’re about to_ —

“everything! one is in every number. one _is_ every number. there’s no two or three or four without one. there’s no infinity without one. if i am the prime number, then that makes me both myself and everything else.”

_i thought we didn’t believe in gods._

“that’s not what i meant. the timeless child was—“

_you?_

“the timeless child was one being, but they were used to create something so much more: a perceivably infinite species, who could theoretically tread, in one heartbeat, from the dawn of the universe to its demise. do you understand? like the prime number, the timeless child is divisible only by the person they were and the resulting infinity within them. they changed the universe forever. they changed time and space and bent impossibility until it broke. it’s an analogy. a taunt. it’s a justification of my sentence.”

_how’s that?_

“if i really am the timeless child, then i belong here. i can’t think of a greater crime in the universe than creating the time lords.”

_i reckon destroying them is a pretty close second._

“you think i’ve lost it.”

_i know you have. if every single number is divisible by one, then that doesn’t make you special for being a prime number._

“but every other number is divisible by more than just one and itself. there’s more to them. whereas all i am is the monsters i’ve made. all i am is the ruin i leave behind.”

_you don’t half have a flare for the dramatic. nobody knows about the timeless child. nobody left alive. only you. and you’re slipping away. look at the walls, doctor. would a sane person do that? look at your nails. how old is that blood? you were supposed to break out, remember? that was the plan. break out. find the TARDIS. see your friends. what happened to you?_

“i tried.”

_did you? or are you comfortable here?_

“what kind of question is that?”

_space and time. i understand — you needed some, after everythin’ that went down, but don’t you think it’s been long enough? soon there won’t be any wall left to mark the days. and then what? what’ll you carve your calendar on then, doctor?_

“the floor.”

_and then?_

“what do you want from me?”

_do you even miss them?_

“of course i miss them. they’re all i’ve got.”

_you haven’t thought about them in a while. not even her._

“i think about her all the time.”

_liar. i should know, i live in your head._

“part of it. bit of a labyrinth up there, if i’m honest. i like to keep all figments of my imagination separated. avoids confusion. you understand.”

_do you talk to her?_

“sometimes.”

_what does she say?_

“you miss her too, eh?”

_it’s the only thing about all this i wasn’t sure we could survive. losing her. and we’re not, are we? surviving?_

“she’s better off. she’s home.”

_what about us, doctor? when do we get to go home?_

“gallifrey’s gone.”

_i wasn’t talking about gallifrey._

“i… i can’t. not yet.”

_you’ve had an escape plan in mind this whole time — no, don’t bother lying. your head might be a labyrinth but i’ve been trapped here for a while. stumbled upon a hidden room or two, didn’t i? the plan’s not bad, as far as your plans go. it might even work. and yet you’ve been sitting on it for months, agonising over your prison tattoo and prime numbers and conspiracy theories while your family grieves for you. you’re being selfish._

“selfish would be bringing them back to this.”

_self pity was never a good look on you. neither was loneliness. how do you really think they’re doing without you?_

“strong bunch, that lot. they’ll bounce back. they’ll move on. that’s what humans do.”

_and yaz?_

“...yaz is one of the strongest people i’ve ever met.”

_do you really not see it? she’s strong for you. she’s brave for you. don’t tell me you’ve forgotten about her nightmares._

“you know full well i haven’t.”

_that’s right. ever since she told you, you started to get them too. awful dreams where she gets torn away from you. where she chooses to leave. chooses the lonely dark over every star in the universe with you. so this is a self-fulfilling prophecy, i s’pose._

“no, because she’s out there. she’s alive. i made sure.”

_but you didn’t. how do you know she didn’t follow after ko sharmus? she’s so loyal, would you really put it past her?_

“please stop.”

_how do you know those nightmares didn’t get too loud when she got home? too loud and too dark to bear? how do you know?_

“i said stop! that’s enough!”

_she’d be so disappointed if she could see you right now. giving up. giving in._

“maybe i’m tired of fighting.”

_don’t cry. what use are your tears? y’know what’ll happen if the guards see you crying again. y’know what they’ll do if they see that you’re vulnerable. i don’t think you’d even try to stop them this time, would you? nah. part of you wants to hurt. you’re like an addict after a fix. you’re pathetic._

“fine. i’m pathetic.”

_do you really want her to know that? she thinks you’re the best person in the universe. that’s hope, to her. that’s a reason. you’re gonna rob her of that?_

“i wouldn’t even know how to face her. i don’t even know who she’d be looking at.”

_she’d know. her faith in you has always been steadfast, doctor. you know that. you know nothing you learned from him changes the way she feels about you. all she cares about is that you try. that you’re kind. that you’re there. you’ve seen the way she looks at you. and god, don’t you miss it?_

“what if — what if she wants more from me this time?”

_then give it to her. she deserves it. she deserves the universe. please. i don’t wanna lose her. not her, too. even if we just get to see her smile one more time. even if we just get to hold her for a while and pretend everything’s okay. that’ll be enough._

“no it won’t.”

_but it’s a good place to start. in her arms is a good place to start._

“i’ve changed.”

_i bet she has, too. will you still love her?_

“always.”

_exactly. love abides. you’ve lived a long life — longer than either of us can say — and that’s the one constant you’ve come to rely on. the only eternal thing. love is a prime number in its own right._

“no.”

_no?_

“love isn’t the prime number. love is the one. love is the thing without which there can be nothing else. the foundation of all that ever was, is, and will be. and if love is the one…”

_she is the one._

“...she’s the one.”

_well, it’s about time._

“oh. oh, i’m so stupid! how could i have forgotten? all this time, the answer were staring me right in the face. right under my skin. it’s her! there’s no me without yasmin khan. there’s no nothing. no universe! nobody was sending me a message, were they?”

_no, doctor._

“it was you.”

_look at your skin._

“...there’s nothing there.”

_there never was._

“but i felt it.”

_it burned, didn’t it?_

“it still does.”

_it’s time to tend to your wounds, doctor._

“i abandoned them. i abandoned her.”

_she’ll forgive you._

“but — but what if she’s—“

_she isn’t. you can still feel her, can’t you? across the unending chasm of time and space, you can still feel her heart beating right between your own. she’s calling out for you, doctor. right now. do you hear her?_

“i hear her.”

_the guards are coming. now’s your chance. what are you gonna do?_

“i’m gonna answer her call. i’m gonna make something new. atone. i’ll build a brand new eternity behind her ribs and mine to make up for the miserable one i left behind. it’s the justice the universe deserves. it’s the balance i owe. just a little love to make it all right.”

_but it’s not a little._

“no, it’s not a little. it’s so much more than that.”

_and where will you start?_

“precisely where you said. i’ll start in her arms.”

**Author's Note:**

> find me on tumblr: freefallthirteen


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